How Not To Get Over A Break Up

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by: Janelle Farvour
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Word Count: 1088

Steps To Take If You DON'T Want To Get Over A Break Up

1. Admit Fault. If you are reading this, you probably didn't initiate the break up. You will fillet your history, every word, every gesture, every bad haircut, every sex act, every scene that could have possibly led to why he or she left you. Guess what? It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything but be your own special beautiful self. It's the ex's fault. The ex is the one who needs the therapy, not you.

2. Resort to alcohol or drugs to make you feel better. You'll only depress your system more, and possibly face jail time or REHAB. This will only result in more depression, more money spent on legal fees and therapy, and ultimately, you'll blame yourself for it all when in actuality, it's the ex's fault that you became a crackhead. You wouldn't have resorted to a DUI conviction or an overdose if he or she wasn't the one who started it? So just stay clean and sober.

3. Buy those self help books. I read them all and what they did was make me wallow in it for longer than I needed to. Now I've got an Amazon.com bill that rivals my therapy bill and lemme tell ya: I could use a little extra cash right now. Just read this article. For free.

4. Talk to happily married friends about your break up. They have no idea how to relate to your problem. Sure, they've been dumped before, but that was years ago. And besides, you don't want to be around their perfect house, kids, dog, and spouses while you cry at their perfect kitchen table. Find some desperately single friends to talk to about it. Chances are, they've been dumped recently also and know just how you feel RIGHT NOW. Married friends have to rely on memory and we all know how fast that goes as we age.

5. Sign on to ANY of those online dating sites. Crimeny. Those sites will just make you FEEL available when emotionally, you really aren't. Plus, a lot of those weirdos (I'm just sayin'...) are probably recently dumped folk themselves, and have just as low self-esteem as you do. What you are looking for is someone with their ducks in a row. If you ask me, any site that matches me using a logarithm I have to pay for to conjure chemistry is questionable at best and will only add to your break up bill.

6. Eat more/Starve yourself. No. Remain the same healthy, beautiful person you were when the "hex" picked you up as a partner.

7. Listen to break up songs or songs about love. Someone call 911 for you right now! Let me put it to you this way: you know that song (Nat King Cole's version comes to mind) of "Our Love is Here to Stay"? Sample these lyrics: In time the Rockies may crumble, Gibraltar may tumble/They're only made of clay/But our love is here to stay

Lies. All of it. Look on GoogleMap. The Rockies are STILL THERE! Gibraltar is a big freaking rock. It ain't going nowhere and still stands! However, his/her love took off, crumbled into the sea as if it was discarded material from a potter's wheel! Where is this "love" now? This song is a LIE! Don't listen to this one especially.

And as to the Bee Gees' "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?", I say behavior modification methods work well. Put a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you think of your "hex," snap it and cause yourself pain. You'll quit thinking about him/her in no time and the only thing you'll need to heal is your wrist! Don't listen to that song, either.

8. Watch romantic comedies. You fill in the blank here. And if you still can't figure out why you shouldn't do it, buy stock in Kleenex ASAP. Those stocks will split in NO TIME with all that you'll be using. You can sell 'em and that will help pay off your Amazon.com/therapy bills.

9. Stalk your ex on social networking sites. If you find yourself doing this, buy more stock in Kleenex (or possibly Zoloft) and get that debt paid off even faster!

10. Change. Okay, let's face it. We do have to own some of our failings and defects. This is a great time to do inventory on what makes you a jerk or a nag. That old adage "Don't change, man, don't you ever change" should be our mantra until we remember that we are beautiful, awesome souls that some other jerk or nag couldn't understand/appreciate. They are the ones at fault, remember, and if anyone should change, it's them.

11. Go back to the ex when he/she begs/emails/texts/drunk dials/what have you. And repeat this disaster AGAIN? You'd be better off buying a roll of ride tickets from your local carnie. I say this because the probability is high that you'll be riding this same nightmare again, so stock up on those tickets and barf bags. Break ups don't have a height requirement and most carnies can't pass a drug test anyway (I'm just sayin'...), so I wouldn't trust them with my body, let alone my heart.

12. Find another jerk/nag just like the ex. You know that roll of ride tickets I told you to buy for those stoned carnies? Get ready to cash more in. You've made it through this article so far; why not go the distance and step out of the break up ride line and get in the one that sells those awesome caramel apples? It will taste a lot better than going through this pucky again!

These are my steps for How NOT to get over a break up. Go ahead. Don't take my advice. Don't read this article. Spit on me. I don't care. I've already felt every humiliation possible due to my break up.

About the Author

Schoolteacher by day, freelance writer by night, I'm into spindoctoring the mundane on all sorts of blog sites.

I am here to offer whatever take I can give on what little I know (I live in Alaska, if that tells you something) and look forward to polluting the Internet with my drivel whenever anyone gives me the chance.

Be well and I look forward to forcing a snarky smirk out of you to the point where you X out as soon as possible.

After all, a vowel is a terrible thing to waste. Why do contestants on Wheel of Fortune always buy them when they know darn well what the solution to the puzzle is? A waste of hard-spun cash, I tell you!

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